Stopped in my tracks...

I haven't been posting lately. Not exactly sure why.

Today, I was stopped in my tracks when this song came on my Pandora radio. It was the Fernando Ortega version and I was almost brought to tears sitting in Starbucks. No matter what I feel I don't have or all the crap I have been through.... this song brings it all back. It is the reason I am here. It is my purpose. It is my life. It is all because of Him. And everything else just fades away...

JESUS PAID IT ALL

I hear the Savior say,
Thy strength indeed is small!
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all

Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy power, and Thine alone,
Can change the leper's spots
And melt the heart of stone

Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

For nothing good have I
Where-by Thy grace to claim
I'll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calvary's Lamb

Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete
Jesus died my soul to save
My lips shall still repeat

Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Wise thoughts from ER

Yet one more thing jumped out at me in these last couple days that I see as another reminder from my wonderful Counselor.

Ironically enough it came from an episode of ER where a character, on her 31st birthday, was upset about dedicating her life to becoming a surgeon instead of marrying and having children. She was left feeling very alone and started to focus on all the families around her and began to feel very badly about herself.

Her mentor told her this: "I don't care how many babies people have or how many dates you miss. Very few people could have done what you did today. You have a gift. You have a GIFT. The minute you start comparing yourself to others is the minute you forget that you're doing exactly what you were meant to do."

Last Friday, I had one of my best days at Children's. I had my first one-on-one therapy session with a 10 year old girl. After the session, I was glowing. I felt like this what I was meant to do and nothing felt more right than that moment. I felt completely lined up in the purpose that God has for me right now. All of the things that had consumed me last week, weren't even a passing thought now. They never entered my mind. I was doing what I loved and doing it well. When I focus on all the things I don't have, I cannot see what God has for me right now. And He has great things for me. He did not put me here to compare myself to others. He has a purpose for me and it is so much better than anything I could have imagined.

A new perspective...

It is amazing what some time with God will do.

I spent this past weekend at a women's retreat. These events are not really my thing. Huge groups of women. A Western Hoedown. Do-see-doeing. Cowboy hats?! Needless to say I was a bit skeptical. But I thought of the good things.... I would be near the beach, at a resort hotel, learning more about Jesus.

The three sessions topic consisted of transforming loneliness, rejection, and fear to fulfill God's purpose. Ummm yea... haven't experienced any of those lately have I??

We all have weak moments. David was the one to defeat Goliath. Yet he also was found himself trembling with fear and crying out to God in many of the Psalms.

In Psalm 55, David appeals to God: "Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me...". He is crying out for God to listen. The speaker at the retreat caught my attention when she said that many times people just tell us to count our blessings when we are having a hard time. Many times, however, that is the last thing we want to hear. Like David, we need some time to mourn. To cry out. To feel bad. The speaker went on to say, "sometimes you just need someone to validate your pain". It is okay to say, "I just need you to hear the hurt in my heart." That is what David was doing in this Psalm. And that is what I was dealing with last week.

The topic of rejection spoke right to my heart as I am dealing with that friend who is no longer talking to me now that she is part of the "mommy club". In the talk, the speaker said that no one can reject you when you're in God's plan". WOW. So true.

Another key point revolved around Psalm 55:16-17: "But I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice."

When the enemy or troubles come at you evening, morning and noon, you have to seek God evening, morning and noon. A few minutes in the morning and evening is not going to cut it. I have been proud of myself for still reading the Word each morning but it has not been sinking in. While it is good that I have not given up, I need to be fervent in my time to battle all that comes at me. Important to remember is that the enemy is for a season, but God is forever.

Another important reminder: I am the royal daughter of a king. THE KING. This should be determining how I live my life.

One of the key verses of the weekend was found in Psalm 16:8: "I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."

What a wonderful and powerful comfort.

Who's to blame?

One of my most recent struggles has been with being angry at God. I will start by getting angry at the situation or person involved but it always goes back to God.

I recently voiced out loud to a friend about how not only does God not bring a husband (and children and entire package) into my life but those he does bless in this way, he takes out of my life.

For about seven years now, I have continually lost friends due to marriage and family. They all claim beforehand that marriage will not affect our friendship and while some adjustments do need to be made, we adjust. When kids come into the picture, it all changes. Now I have taken care of children long enough to know how much they change your life. I know the constant demands and lack of schedule and craziness that becomes the norm for new families. It is because of this that I allow a time to go by where I back off slightly. I give space and support when I can. I will go out of my way to accommodate their lives and schedules.

But how long can this go on? Just when I think things should be settling down to be able to have a friendship again, I am forgotten. For years I have put all my effort and energy into maintaining these "friendships". I always tease myself with the hope that things will get better. But they don't. I really try to see things from their perspective, but I still don't understand how a friendship can just be shut off like that. Don't they need me like I need them? Doesn't friendship go both ways? Are they doing this to everyone or just me? Am I forever excluded from this club they are now in?

So I start getting angry at my friend. I start to resent all that she has been blessed with and the rage builds. More salt on the wound. They know what I have been through yet continue to do this to me. But then I start to think, that God is in control. He could fix all of this by just sending me my husband. Then I could be in the club too. I wouldn't have to be so left out and behind. Then I could have friends again.

I am in a unique situation where there is not many in my age group who are not married yet and almost all of my friends are married and have children now. They are all so happy. And they all talk to each other all the time. I see it on facebook. Even people that weren't that close before having kids, suddenly they are the best of friends. So all that time I put into a friendship was a waste. All because I don't have the package. And that is not my fault. God is in control of that. I could probably deny him, find some man to marry me and then have kids. Then I could be a part of this "club" too. But is it worth it? I don't think so.

So the anger I have at God has to do with his choice to leave me out of this. Why? Why would he hurt me like this? Why would he bless me with friends only to take them away despite all their promises to stay? I get weary of making new friends who are single because I will probably lose them too. So I have all this bitterness and rage inside of me and not sure how to let it go. I don't even know for sure who I am angry at.

While God is ultimately in control, He did give us free will. My friends are making the choice to cut me off. Sure, they claim multiple excuses, but they are making the choice. I want friendships and I am not receiving that from them. I can't fault God for this. If these friends made any attempt at some effort, things would be fine. Their choice not to is what hurts the most. God is not telling them to be this way to me, it is their own will.

A friend whom I lost touch with due to this "club", recently mentioned to me something God had been placing on her heart to tell me. We hadn't spoken in months but as God worked in each of our hearts individually, we have found our friendship again. She found it odd that God was telling her something to tell me when we hadn't spoken in so long but it was shared in the most perfect timing when she did.

She felt him telling her to tell me to ignore all of it. To just focus on him. He is all I need and I need to just spend my time with him. I have heard this in so many ways, so many times, but this time it struck me hard. He is right. I have been focusing on all that I am missing that I have lost sight of him.

While he is ultimately all I need, it doesn't change my desires for a loving husband to share my life with and possibly children. For whatever reason however, he has not chosen this to be the time for that. It is hard to trust someone who continually seems to be taking things away from me. Things that leave me hurting the most. I don't understand his reasoning. I don't pretend to like it. But I know this:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

For now, I am going to hold onto that promise and focus on Him.

When it rains, it pours.

So after a fun night out with my mom and sister I come home to my usual Friday night date with my down comforter and TV. I long for this time of day when I can snuggle in and relax.

And then I am bombarded.

I turn on the TV and "The Wedding Planner" is on. Fun. Except there are more commercials than movie. And the commercials slots are filled with eharmony, match.com, David's Bridal, etc. So I turn on my computer to tune out the commercials.

I check in with facebook....

I see that someone found out they are having a baby boy. Awww.

Then I see my former best friend with picture of her new baby boy's first bath. Awwww again.

Someone else just finished building a house with her husband. YAY!

So I move away from facebook and check email...

Got the weekly email from my church. There is a new series starting. "For the Modern Family". Wonderful.

Now maybe you have sensed my little bit of sarcasm in my reactions. Well you are right.

It is not that I am not happy for these people. I mean, I want to be. Somehow it just seems like salt in an already infected wound. Not exactly a good feeling. This is where bitterness can creep in. Or take over and knock me down before I knew what hit me.

It's not like I am doing anything wrong. I am just relaxing.... like so many do.

I spend time with God each day. I will admit, it's not always the quality I would like it to be but I do it and love that time with Him. Throughout my day I will find reminders of Him, or seek Him in prayer for something or someone. I will often sense Him near me; loving me. And I love Him back.

But am I acknowledging Him in ALL my ways? That is how He makes my path straight. It states this over and over again in scripture in many different ways. It often seems to me that everyone else got on the straight path and I got very lost. Everyone else just seems to have figured out how to get "the whole package". I often wonder what I did wrong. Where did I go off track? Was I ever on track?

I just keep coming back to this place of bitterness even when I am finding myself satisfied with God. Should I not watch TV? Movies? Go on Facebook? Check email?? I can't seem to get away from it. So what to do........ Where to go from here?

I honestly don't know.

I am weary.

I don't know how much more of this salt I can take.

I want my wounds to have a chance to heal.

My solution: Take refuge in my God.

So when I am being bombarded with messages that can lead to bitterness, I will find refuge in Him.

"The strengthening and renewal we receive when we let the Lord shelter us can be a very healing time in our lives." (Healing Words by Susan Brozek, p.104)

Like David, in Psalm 25, I need to fully take refuge in Him. And I need to do this until it is complete.

"Guard my soul and deliver me: do not let me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You."

~Psalm 25:20

"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out your enemies before you, saying, 'Destroy them!'"

~Deuteronomy 33:27

"As for God, His way is perfect: The Lord's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in Him."

~Psalm 18:30

"Show me the wonders of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in You from their foes."

~Psalm 17:7

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn or my salvation, my stronghold."

~Psalm 18:2

My purpose

I have been feeling guided to create an outlet for some of my thoughts and feelings. I have no idea what this will lead to, if anything. I have always kept journals so I am not sure why I am being lead to this but I am going on faith.

The name "Released" signifies what this blog is for. I have a weakness called bitterness. Without the release of my innermost feelings, which are not always appropriate, the bitterness can overtake my mind and heart. Bitterness has a way of slowly killing a once vibrant heart. The heart becomes hardened and God no longer has free range to move. I no longer want this to be a part of my life.

Bitterness can be contagious too. Releasing these bitter thoughts and feelings to anyone other than God can put another heart at risk and I no longer want to do that. Hebrews 12:15 warns, "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." A root is hidden but gives life to what is on the outside. The root of bitterness is a poison that needs to be released.

That is what this blog is about for me. While I do not want to dwell on the bitter thoughts and feelings, writing about them is a way to release them from my heart. And once released, God can move through my vibrant heart again.

Release

re·lease

  [ri-lees]verb, -leased, -leas·ing, noun

–verb (used with object)

1.

to free from confinement, bondage, obligation, pain, etc.; letgo: to release a prisoner; to release someone from a debt.

2.

to free from anything that restrains, fastens, etc.: to releasea catapult.

3.

to allow to be known, issued, done, or exhibited: to releasean article for publication.

4.

Law . to give up, relinquish, or surrender (a right, claim,etc.).

–noun

5.

a freeing or releasing from confinement, obligation, pain,emotional strain, etc.

6.

liberation from anything that restrains or fastens.

Taken from www.dictionary.com