I recently voiced out loud to a friend about how not only does God not bring a husband (and children and entire package) into my life but those he does bless in this way, he takes out of my life.
For about seven years now, I have continually lost friends due to marriage and family. They all claim beforehand that marriage will not affect our friendship and while some adjustments do need to be made, we adjust. When kids come into the picture, it all changes. Now I have taken care of children long enough to know how much they change your life. I know the constant demands and lack of schedule and craziness that becomes the norm for new families. It is because of this that I allow a time to go by where I back off slightly. I give space and support when I can. I will go out of my way to accommodate their lives and schedules.
But how long can this go on? Just when I think things should be settling down to be able to have a friendship again, I am forgotten. For years I have put all my effort and energy into maintaining these "friendships". I always tease myself with the hope that things will get better. But they don't. I really try to see things from their perspective, but I still don't understand how a friendship can just be shut off like that. Don't they need me like I need them? Doesn't friendship go both ways? Are they doing this to everyone or just me? Am I forever excluded from this club they are now in?
So I start getting angry at my friend. I start to resent all that she has been blessed with and the rage builds. More salt on the wound. They know what I have been through yet continue to do this to me. But then I start to think, that God is in control. He could fix all of this by just sending me my husband. Then I could be in the club too. I wouldn't have to be so left out and behind. Then I could have friends again.
I am in a unique situation where there is not many in my age group who are not married yet and almost all of my friends are married and have children now. They are all so happy. And they all talk to each other all the time. I see it on facebook. Even people that weren't that close before having kids, suddenly they are the best of friends. So all that time I put into a friendship was a waste. All because I don't have the package. And that is not my fault. God is in control of that. I could probably deny him, find some man to marry me and then have kids. Then I could be a part of this "club" too. But is it worth it? I don't think so.
So the anger I have at God has to do with his choice to leave me out of this. Why? Why would he hurt me like this? Why would he bless me with friends only to take them away despite all their promises to stay? I get weary of making new friends who are single because I will probably lose them too. So I have all this bitterness and rage inside of me and not sure how to let it go. I don't even know for sure who I am angry at.
While God is ultimately in control, He did give us free will. My friends are making the choice to cut me off. Sure, they claim multiple excuses, but they are making the choice. I want friendships and I am not receiving that from them. I can't fault God for this. If these friends made any attempt at some effort, things would be fine. Their choice not to is what hurts the most. God is not telling them to be this way to me, it is their own will.
A friend whom I lost touch with due to this "club", recently mentioned to me something God had been placing on her heart to tell me. We hadn't spoken in months but as God worked in each of our hearts individually, we have found our friendship again. She found it odd that God was telling her something to tell me when we hadn't spoken in so long but it was shared in the most perfect timing when she did.
She felt him telling her to tell me to ignore all of it. To just focus on him. He is all I need and I need to just spend my time with him. I have heard this in so many ways, so many times, but this time it struck me hard. He is right. I have been focusing on all that I am missing that I have lost sight of him.
While he is ultimately all I need, it doesn't change my desires for a loving husband to share my life with and possibly children. For whatever reason however, he has not chosen this to be the time for that. It is hard to trust someone who continually seems to be taking things away from me. Things that leave me hurting the most. I don't understand his reasoning. I don't pretend to like it. But I know this:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
For now, I am going to hold onto that promise and focus on Him.
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